Searching
by Lire
Summary: Sequel to "Lost." Lucy begins to put her plans into action, including getting a job someplace no other Camdens will go. Her relationship with Kevin changes drastically and she finds an ally. Chapter 7 included and the story is finished.
1. Sending

"Mom?" Lucy asked worriedly.  
  
"Oh, is it important? Because I really need to get ready for Matt's wedding," Annie replied.  
  
"No. I was just wondering if I could get a job."  
  
"Why? You don't need money for anything, do you?"  
  
"Oh, no, it's just that," Lucy paused, knowing she should have thought this out more. "Well, since Kevin's in Buffalo I don't want to seem desperate or anything, so I thought that if I got a job it would make me seem more interesting, and besides, he's been wanting me to move to Buffalo and if I have a job then he'll put less pressure on me."  
  
"That nice boy wants you to move to Buffalo?" Annie moaned. "But you can't leave around your brother's wedding-day."  
  
"So I can get a job?"  
  
"Then you won't be able to move to Buffalo?"  
  
"Right," Lucy said. 'It's not really a lie,' she added mentally. 'I won't be going to Buffalo—because of this job or another reason.'  
  
"If it'll mean you won't go to Buffalo, you can get a job. Now go away, and let me make everything perfect," Annie turned away.  
  
Lucy backed away, unwilling to destroy then tenuous agreement she had reached with Annie. In the week since her night of insomnia, Lucy had ceased to think of her mother by anything but her first name. Grabbing her purse, she left the house.  
  
Driving around, Lucy tried to remember not only the places she'd seen Help Wanted signs, but also the places Annie and the rest of the Camdens never went. 'If Ruthie tracks me down, I'll be seriously frightened for her,' she thought to herself. Then, she noticed a large stone building she recognized, but hadn't visited in many years. 'That's it,' she thought to herself. 'The library.'  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Can I help you, young lady?" the librarian asked.  
  
"I'm Lucy Camden. I saw you were hiring, so I came in to ask about the job," Lucy said nervously.  
  
"Camden? I see. What experience do you have?"  
  
"I don't have that much, but I catch on pretty quickly."  
  
"Well, there does seem to be a dearth of people in Glenoak who actually know where the library is and what it's for. Take an application," the librarian looked Lucy over. "We'll…get back to you."  
  
Lucy turned away. She was surprised at the librarian's reaction to whom she was, but, now that she thought about it, she wasn't really shocked. 'Is that how they see us?' she shuddered. The idea that her family's insanity was evident to the rest of the community disturbed her more then the insanity itself.  
  
"Lucy?" a girl tapped her on the shoulder. "Hi, I'm Sophie Meredith. We were in the same grade at school. I must admit, I'm surprised to see you here."  
  
"Sophie?" Lucy vaguely remembered seeing the girl around before. It suddenly hit her, how strange it was that no one in her family had any friends to speak of. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I took a year off after high school to read Shakespeare and get money. I'm trying to get into Oxford or Cambridge. But I think I'm more surprised to see you here."  
  
"Oxford or Cambridge?" Lucy repeated.  
  
"Yeah, I want to go to college in England. I was going for the Continent, but my French really isn't the greatest. Again, you, while being intelligent, were never quite the book worm type," Sophie stared at her.  
  
"I'm just trying to save money for college."  
  
"Last I heard, you were very much in love going to college in New York."  
  
"How did you know that?"  
  
"You're a Camden. The entire town knows everything about you guys," Sophie said.  
  
"Really. Well, things didn't exactly work out. So I came back—I'm having," 'And what do I tell a stranger? Annie's going crazy, my parents won't let me go to college so I have to sneak out so I can save myself? That'll go over well.' "difficulties with my family, so I need money for college. I haven't been here in a while."  
  
"Your family is more church than library. That's why I was surprised to see you here."  
  
"Is there something wrong with that?"  
  
"No, no, back down, Lucy. I'm Catholic. I go to church as well."  
  
"Catholic?"  
  
"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?" Sophie looked at her strangely again.  
  
Lucy thought of all her parents had told her about the heathens of other religions. Then she remembered something from school. Catholics did predate Protestants. Maybe her parents were wrong in this as they'd been in other things. "No."  
  
"You are surprising, when you get away from the rest of you're family. But I hope you get the job."  
  
"Thank you." Lucy looked at Sophie. She remembered her from school, now. Sophie had been a quiet girl with her nose always in a book. She'd had a few friends, and a boyfriend Lucy had her eye on, frankly. "How's Steve doing?"  
  
Sophie blushed. "He's studying to be an engineer in Indiana. We're still dating, if that's what you mean."  
  
"That's nice." Lucy dredged up more memories. Sophie had been some of her only real competition for grades at school. "Why didn't you go straight to college?"  
  
"I didn't want to. I needed to…it's hard to explain. I know a lot about myself, but I needed to find out more about the rest of humanity before I did anything positive. Why aren't you in college?" Sophie looked as if there were tons more questions she needed to ask, but she held her tongue.  
  
"I've had a lot of problems. I guess I still need to find myself." Lucy found herself wishing deeply she was the other girl. Lucy had never dared to find herself before. 'But I guess this is my chance to remedy the situation.'  
  
Lucy smiled at the girl her parents would never approve of, in the place her parents would disown her for, and began to feel for the first time that this time, her castle in the air would have a foundation in stone. 


	2. Questing

Let me have no regrets. Let me have no regrets. Let me. Have no. Regrets. The phrase, half-prayer and half-command kept a litany in the back of Lucy's heart at all times, but especially during such boring times as these.  
  
She admitted to herself that she had no earthly idea why the library had hired her. She certainly didn't share Sophie's easy ability to look at a book and know exactly where it went. Lucy knew the alphabet, but the Dewey Decimal system proved slightly harder to master.  
  
"Brimstone!" the familiar curse fell on Lucy's ears, and she turned guiltily. "Lucy, you're standing around looking like a poor little lost lamb. Again. May I ask why?"  
  
"I've got…plays."  
  
"And you don't know how to find drama?" Sophie grinned. "Good thing I do. At least you weren't lying about being a fast learner." Sophie grabbed a stack of books she irritatedly termed, "Dead Greek guys. Misogynist dead Greek guys," and gestured for Lucy to follow.  
  
"How m'I doing?" Lucy asked.  
  
"Not that bad. Compared to some of the …delights…that I get to shepherd around when they have to write papers, you're Socrates incarnate. But without the hemlock tea."  
  
After spending so much time with Sophie, Lucy was finally beginning to decode her odd way of speaking, referencing everything under the sun and a few things beyond it. Lucy knew she was intelligent—Matt had gotten worse grades than she had, and Matt was going to be a doctor. (Though she had to admit to quite a few doubts about that subject.) Being around Sophie really made her wonder what she could have been had Annie not gone crazy…or had her father not been a pastor. She knew she should be glad for the moral background she had been given, and for the most part, she was. But Sophie was one of the most ethical people Lucy knew—and Sophie was Catholic.  
  
"Hello? Lucy? Are the ties of friendship not enough to hold you to this Earth? Cause dying of turning slowly to dust is a really boring process. I know. I've tried."  
  
"Oh, it's nothing."  
  
"Glad to hear it. I was wondering, though, what earthly (or unearthly) event has happened that would cause you to change so much," Sophie tilted her head, inviting a response.  
  
"What are you talking about? I haven't changed," Lucy replied brusquely.  
  
"Lucy Camden. You are standing in a library, holding a stack of books containing several that have been banned multiple places. You've gone from being reasonably intelligent to a facsimile of yourself. You've gone from being "in love" to, from what I've heard, establishing boy-toys of the moment. People don't just randomly change like."  
  
Lucy shoved the girl in front her.  
  
Sophie fell backwards, but somehow slapped her arms against the ground and rose back on her feet. "Well, that was something I never wanted to try without a mat."  
  
Lucy spun on her heel and ran out, torn between tears and screaming. What would she do if she became exactly like the one who she was running from? What if genetics was too strong, and she became like Annie?  
  
She reached deep into a place she didn't know she had, pulled the strength to go back into the library. She had a job to do, a duty to fulfill. And she had to apologize to Sophie. She couldn't lose her only friend.  
  
Lucy didn't know it, but just in doing that she had saved herself from ever becoming like Annie. Annie had never gone questing for her own destiny. 


	3. Knowing

Lucy picked up the phone. She began to dial the number. She had tapped out seven digits when she put the phone back on the hook. She picked it up again, and listened to the dial tone. She searched through the papers on her desk, looking for a phone number. She didn't want to find it, but as neat as she was, it was unavoidable that she did.  
  
With the number in her hand, she couldn't find any excuse not to call. Compared to all she had done before, this should be easy. She did not have to convince anyone of her competence or anything. After all, the start of their relationship had been her terrorizing him at an airport—why should this be any harder? But without even trying, she knew the answer. The airport had been the false Lucy, and this phone call had to be made by the real one. But once she made the phone call, there would be no more hiding who she was becoming from Mary, Ruthie, or ultimately, Annie.  
  
That thought almost made her give up the plan immediately, but her new-won conscience would not let her put the phone down a second time. Lucy dialed the number.  
  
A familiar voice answered. "Hello?"  
  
"Kevin. I need to talk to you," she managed to force out beyond the lump in her throat.  
  
"What's wrong, Luce?"  
  
"It was the use of the hated nick name that gave her the strength she needed for the next words. "I…" the plea died in her mouth. "I think…"  
  
"What?" Kevin questioned.  
  
"I think,"  
  
"We established that the first couple times," he laughed, cutting her off.  
  
"I think we should break up."  
  
"Why? We're perfect for each other!"  
  
"How can you know that? We live across the country from each other and can barely ever see each other. Why? Because your brother proposed to my sister? What does that tell you about us? Nothing."  
  
"Is this about how I wouldn't move to Glen Oak?"  
  
"No! That was one of my clues—that after only four months we were pressuring each other. The more I think about it, the more I realized how wrong we were for each other," Lucy prayed he would accept her explanation.  
  
"Is this like what Mary did?" he asked, confused.  
  
"What!?!"  
  
"You know, when she wanted Ben to ask her to marry him."  
  
"Kevin, if after so long you know me so little, I don't see how any relationship between us can have any hope of succeeding. Good-bye."  
  
"But, Luce—"  
  
"But what? But now that I'm breaking up with you, are you going to say you love me? Because I'm not going to buy that, not anymore. You and I have very little in common and we just…it's not going to work out. Not with you being the way you are, and me being the way I am, and the woman I want to be."  
  
"Is this about me being Catholic?"  
  
"No. It's about me. For once in my life, I'm going to run a relationship like it's about me. And don't going running to Ben to run to Mary to bring me to my senses. I am in my senses, and I never want to leave them again. Bye."  
  
"Bye," Kevin's voice was stunned, and Lucy hung up the phone.  
  
+ + + + + + + + +  
  
"Luce!" Mary announced imperiously over the phone.  
  
"Let me guess—you think I should get back together with Kevin."  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Mary, don't you think if he were really ready for any kind of relationship, he wouldn't call his brother to call my sister—doesn't that seem more the vaguely junior high-ish to you?"  
  
"I suppose…" Mary's voice trailed off.  
  
"Then can you trust me that I know my own heart? Please? I have to go to work, but think on it, will you?"  
  
"All right." Mary hung up the phone without saying any form of farewell.  
  
Lucy stared at the phone for a minute, and then left the house. The sun hit her face, and she didn't turn away. 'I can't declare my independence, not yet. I still dependent on my parents for food and shelter. But I can declare me, and I'll declare it as loud as I possibly can.' 


	4. Birth

Lucy followed Sophie into her room. The first thing that struck her attention was the books. There were books on the walls, on the desk, even in stacks on the floor. "Have you read all these?" Lucy asked.  
  
"No," Sophie shrugged. "I just keep them around for decoration." At Lucy's blank look, she smiled slightly. "Yes. I've read them all—most of them at least twice. Go ahead, stare look around. Make yourself," Sophie deleted at home and said, "comfortable. I'm going to go find some food or something."  
  
Lucy attention was next caught by the sword hanging above the mirror. She touched it—it was a real blade. On the handle was engraved a quill against the rising sun. Turning, she saw a staff leaning in the corner by the door. On the bed lay two small daggers. Examining them, Lucy again saw the quill against the rising sun. On the desk, next to a pile of books lay a knife, Lucy picked it up and saw engraved on it a knife against an open book. She began to wonder about her safety with someone who had such weapons in her room.  
  
In the closet Lucy found two medieval gowns and several other costumes. Turning away again, she found on open notebook on the floor. Lucy picked it up, and began to read.  
  
Debts aren't always burdens, though gifts can be.  
  
At that sentence, Lucy put her finger on what had been bothering her about the room. This room somehow reflected Sophie, in all she was and all she had been and all she could be. Lucy's room might as well have belonged to a stranger and in a way, it did. Despite all she had managed to reclaim in the past months, Lucy began to cry.  
  
"What is it? What's wrong?" Sophie radiated concern.  
  
"You know how I told you I wanted to talk to you?" Lucy managed to get out between sobs. "This is why."  
  
Sophie said nothing. "Can you use the weapons?" Lucy asked.  
  
"Yes." There was no explanation.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"What does the quill and sun symbol mean?" Lucy asked.  
  
Sophie looked at her oddly and answered, "That's my sigil. My mark."  
  
"Then why does that one knife have an different mark?"  
  
"That's Steve's sigil. We traded knives before he left," again, there was no explanation.  
  
"You and your boyfriend traded knives? Does that have some weird pagan meaning?" Unknowingly, Lucy marked herself a child of her parents. But she caught herself and added, "I'm sorry. Does it have a not-weird meaning?"  
  
"It binds us together. It's very hard to explain—it's kind of like trading rings or something, but not."  
  
"Oh." When she had asked to talk to Sophie, Lucy hadn't realized how hard it would be to talk about her family—even to someone so strange as to have multiple blades on her walls. "I need your help."  
  
"I'll give it, if I'm able. But you kind of have to tell me the story first."  
  
"At then end of last summer, I left for college and New York. I, for whatever reason, couldn't take it, and came home." Sophie merely nodded invitingly, and Lucy continued. "When I came home, everything was different. My parents have always been a little strict, but now I think Annie's going crazy. What she's doing has to count as child abuse. She exiled me and my siblings from the house…and it stopped seeming like she cared about us at all. She doesn't want anybody to leave and move on or grow up or anything…" Lucy finished with eyes that were surprisingly dry.  
  
"I see. I take it you want to leave? I mean, you did get the job at the library after all, which is more than a little odd. So you must want money for something…" Sophie trailed off. "What do you want to do?"  
  
"The reason I saved up all the money was so I could college. Whatever I didn't find in New York, I didn't find it back here either. So…I want your help on my applications."  
  
"You realize you've got the makings of a killer essay with just what you told me?" Sophie asked.  
  
"I guess. I'm just so uncertain. I want to get away from my family. That sounds horrible."  
  
"Lucy, it's not horrible. We're of age…we're supposed to want to get away and live our own lives. It's natural. I don't know what you're going through at home, and it sounds very hard. And that, I believe, is an understatement."  
  
"You have no idea. So will you help me?"  
  
"Yes. Have you done anything yet?"  
  
"I broke up with Kevin. I've looked at some colleges. I used to want to be a minister, but now I think I want to be—oh, you'll laugh," Lucy cut herself off.  
  
"Look around my room. Do you seriously think I'd laugh about anything?"  
  
"I guess…I think I want to be an actress," Lucy admitted, taking another step away from the constraining arms of her family.  
  
Lucy knew that this time, she would have to find out what she, Lucy, wanted, not what her parents or older siblings wanted. It seemed wrong that that should be so hard. But she shrugged and thought to herself. 'I guess birth always is.' 


	5. Fire

Lucy attempted to rush out of the house before anyone saw her. Attempted, but failed. Ruthie stood, blocking the front door. "Mom wants to talk to you," she said. "And I want to help. You know, you've been doing so much that we don't know about recently. I should know these things about you," Ruthie lead an unresisting Lucy into the living room.  
  
Lucy stared covertly at her little sister. She didn't sound twelve. She sounded far older—well, so did Sophie. But Ruthie sounded like a child who could far to easily become a villain…and might not mourn the process either.  
  
"Lucy!" Annie sat on the couch, looking for all the world like she was holding court. "I haven't talked to you in the longest time. Tell me everything. No, I'll start. Ruthie tells me you broke up with Kevin?"  
  
"That's true."  
  
"Why? He was such a nice boy! And the brother of Mary's nice boy. It would have all been so cute! I think you should get back together with him."  
  
"Mom, we broke up. I broke up with him. I can't just get back together with him at your slightest whim," Lucy tried not give in.  
  
"I don't see why not. Mary has no problem doing it, and before Matt got married he had no problem doing it," Annie looked down at Lucy, as if trying to bring a wayward dog back under heel. It was with something akin to fear that Lucy remembered they always called that breaking.  
  
"I'm not them, Mom. Besides, my job is taking up a lot of time."  
  
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. You aren't spending enough time at home. I think they're working you to hard. Where are you working, anyway?" Ruthie perked up at the question.  
  
"Don't worry Mom, I'm not working all the time."  
  
"Perhaps you should quit your job," Annie looked fiercely at her daughter.  
  
"No. I'm doing all right. I've got a job and some friends and—"  
  
"Why haven't I met these friends?"  
  
"You've just been so busy, and I didn't want to cause any problems," Lucy struggled to maintain what it had been so difficult to regain in the first place. "You can meet the most important one, if you like."  
  
"I think that would be a very good idea indeed. Bring her over for dinner tonight."  
  
"I don't think that will work very well," Lucy replied uncertainly.  
  
"And why not?"  
  
'Because I have Treasure Island rehearsal tonight for one thing,' Lucy thought. 'But you can't know about that.' Thinking quickly, Lucy decided on telling the truth. "Sophie has tae kwon do tonight. First she can't eat, then she won't be available, then she'll be too tired."  
  
"This friend of yours fights? That's not appropriate behavior for a lady at all. I don't suppose her family goes to church?" Annie seemed to be getting more and more upset as the interview went on.  
  
"Yes. Her family does go to church."  
  
"Well, I suppose that's a good sign. Go, do whatever you want. You're just abandoning your family."  
  
Lucy knew that the last remark was supposed to make her feel guilty. And even though she knew Annie was doing it intentionally, it did. Her family had been her all for so long that she wanted to still be part of it. In her head, she knew that Annie was doing her best to suffocate her, but that didn't change the feelings in her heart. It was with gloom instead of happiness that Lucy again tried to leave the house. Ruthie stopped her at her car.  
  
"I know what you're doing," Ruthie said triumphantly. "I'm going to tell Mom, unless…you have a reason why I shouldn't."  
  
Lucy's blood ran cold. "What am I doing?"  
  
"It's something bad." As her little sister gleefully said this, Lucy reviewed all she'd done. Acting…especially in Treasure Island were probably frowned upon, but not bad. "You're earning money from men."  
  
"What!?!"  
  
Ruthie's eyes were expressionless. "You're not being moral. That's why you're gone so late every night."  
  
Lucy thought back to all the stress she'd faced for auditions, and now all the work she but in at rehearsals. For someone, anyone, to think all the fun she had could be something so dirty—she felt sick. It was then that she knew it was too late to save her little sister…if the strange child in front of her would even acknowledge that obligations that came with that anymore. "Ruthie, you are wrong. I hold myself to a higher standard than you can know, and if what I do seems wrong to you because of that, then you don't know me or anything about me at all." She got into the car and drove off, trying her hardest not to cry.  
  
"Let me have no regrets," she prayed while driving. "Let me have no regrets."  
  
+ + + + + + + + + + + +  
  
After work, Lucy took over a small room in the library. She spread the books all over the table, searching for a college. One that wasn't in California, or New York. 'I guess I shouldn't have wanted to be an actress—for now at least, Hollywood and Broadway are both proscribed to me. But that doesn't matter. I can walk through the fire, and I can become who I want.  
  
A few hours later, in the wings during rehearsal, Lucy began to fill out the first of her applications. And she knew that this time there would be no going back. But this thought brought a smile to her face, through her tears, and that made her smile all the more beautiful. 


	6. Ashes

After two weeks, Lucy had finally given in. Sophie was coming to dinner at the Camden's. Lucy knew that this could destroy everything she wanted, but she also knew she was still her parents' daughter in part. There were some things she was not yet strong enough to fight.  
  
Lucy allowed herself a small sigh of relief when she saw what Sophie was wearing. Not the "Fight Censorship on your Planet" shirt, not the "Earth, a small planet on the edge of a minor galaxy shirt" and not the even her shirt with the complete text of Hamlet. She was wearing a blouse with a leather bodice over it, jeans, and boots.  
  
"Hi, you must be Sophie Meredith," Annie hurried over.  
  
"That I am. I take it you're Mrs. Camden?" Sophie played mature young lady to the hilt.  
  
"Call me Annie. This is Eric, that's Simon, there's Ruthie, and the twins are Sam and David."  
  
"Which is Sam and which is David?"  
  
"Why does it matter?"  
  
"I would feel more comfortable if I could call them by their right names," that was Sophie's first odd comment of the evening.  
  
"And the dog is Happy," Annie continued as if she hadn't heard Sophie. My daughter tells me you are in a fighting class?"  
  
"I am. I believe that I should know how to defend myself if it becomes necessary. I don't want to be forced into a situation by dependence."  
  
"Couldn't your father or brothers take care of you?" Eric asked.  
  
Lucy started at her father's odd question. "I don't have any brothers. Besides, I want to live my own life."  
  
"How about your boyfriend?" Simon asked.  
  
"Tricky issue. It depends on who my boyfriend is."  
  
"Let's go sit down," Annie interrupted.  
  
"So Sophie, how did you and Lucy meet?"  
  
"She's my colleague at the library."  
  
Blank stares resounded around the table.  
  
Ruthie ended the silence. "What else do you do?"  
  
"Hmmm. Read, write, fight, act, try and poke Glen Oak out of complacency. Socrates said he wanted to be a gadfly and poke old Athens into thought. I figured his were worthy enough footsteps to try to follow in. I use modern-day Glen Oak instead of ancient Athens though, of course."  
  
"Of course," Lucy cut in.  
  
"That's quite a lot of hats you wear for such a young girl," Eric said thoughtfully.  
  
"Thankfully, most of my roles allow me to function bare-headed."  
  
"You fight? But you're a girl!" Simon interjected.  
  
Sophie glanced sideways at Lucy before answering, "Exactly."  
  
That killed conversation for a while.  
  
"Are you engaged?" Simon asked.  
  
"No," Sophie replied.  
  
"Oh then, so you must be married."  
  
"I've reached my majority the normal way." At his blank look she added, "By aging…the ways you can be emancipated are by joining the military, marrying, court order, or just plain getting older. I chose to get older."  
  
"Well then, can I have your number?"  
  
"Have a number. My favorites are pi and infinity. Infinity has the best symbol. But Lucy's got my phone number if you have more mundane concerns."  
  
"You think you'd want to do something some time?" Simon asked.  
  
Sophie's eyebrows rose right into her hair and she said quietly, "Excuse me, please."  
  
Worried, Lucy trailed after her. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Your mother and father are alternating between putting me through third degree and mocking me for being female—and your sixteen year old brother is hitting on me!" Slowly her hand began to drop towards her left boot.  
  
"You didn't!" Lucy cried.  
  
"I'm not going to draw it! And it's not like it's illegal or anything. Believe me, I checked."  
  
Lucy voice dropped to a whisper, "You cannot seriously have brought a knife to a dinner with my family."  
  
"Frankly, I'm surprised no one's done worse to them yet. I have no reason to trust your family…what am I supposed to tell your brother? I don't think the fact that I'm three years older is having an effect."  
  
"Older girls are attracted to him."  
  
"And I thought I was odd. We can go back in now…I promise I won't go after anyone unless your brother gets worse."  
  
"Dear," Annie said as they re-entered the room, "wouldn't you like to come to church with us on Sunday morning?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I won't be able to," Sophie replied neutrally.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I will have other business to attend to."  
  
"On a Sunday morning? What else is there besides church?"  
  
"I'll be at mass, if you must know."  
  
"Well, come to our church anyway. It won't be a problem for us," Eric added.  
  
"But it will be a problem for me. I'm Catholic."  
  
At her families shocked looks, Lucy cut in, "Remember people, Ben is a Catholic too."  
  
"If you come to our church, you'll get to see me," Simon said.  
  
"Simon, you seem to be a very nice little boy, but I love my boyfriend very much."  
  
Sophie was doing a masterful job of keeping her temper, Lucy realized. It wasn't until tonight had she really realized just how far apart her family and her new world was. She let lose a long strand of internal invective and hoped her family would just go away. And yet…they had made her what she was. They would have a part in the woman she would become no matter what she did. Remembering all that had happened perhaps in time she could look back and not regret her childhood, even if she couldn't do it now. Fragile strength is still strength.  
  
In the silence that descended, Sophie looked very tempted to try and provoke in interesting discussion. It was the inherent Camden-ness of the situation that quashed her attempts before they crossed her lips, Lucy supposed.  
  
"When are you getting married?" Annie asked.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Your boyfriend. When are you going to marry him?"  
  
"Not till both of us graduate from college at least. That may take a while," Sophie looked shocked that someone would so easily pry into her personal life.  
  
"You should definitely get engaged some time very soon, then," Annie added. "Actually, your current boyfriend obviously has no interests in marriage, so you should find someone else. The first thing you should do is stop dressing so strangely and definitely stop fighting. Come to our church, and I'll help set you up with someone."  
  
Lucy was shocked. This was a complete stranger Annie was intruding on! Lucy felt herself draw farther away from her family.  
  
"I'm sorry. I don't believe you understood me. I love my boyfriend, but believe I am too young be engaged," Sophie paused, catching Lucy's eye. Both of them knew this at least, was something akin to a lie. By trading knives, Sophie and Steven had united in a deeper bond…and Sophie had said, 'we keep each other's honor now" but Sophie continued. "I have a lot of things I want to learn and do. I do not dress strangely, I dress to reflect my sense of self—and there is nothing strange in that except that I have one—meaning any advice you could give me would be mote. I thank you for the meal Mrs. Camden. Lucy, I hope you understand, but I must go. I'll see you."  
  
The shock spread around the table. No one had ever refused the advice of either Eric or Annie before. Sophie blatantly made the Sign of the Cross and left.  
  
"I forbid you to see that girl anymore! And you can quit your job while you're at it. Obviously she is a danger to all we've taught you. I can't believe you would betray your family with such a friendship. Now go to your room," Annie screamed at her daughter.  
  
A knock came at the door, and Eric opened it. "Excuse me, Sophie, did you forget something?"  
  
"No. You forgot something. Lucy is of age. You have no power over her. Lucy, you can stay with me if you want to, for as long as you want." She pressed the knife from her boot into Lucy's hand.  
  
"Young lady, you know nothing!" Annie began.  
  
"I beg to differ. I read Shakespeare in 8th grade and Plato in 10th. I may be a young woman but I am not clueless."  
  
"You lie! Your parents would never go along with such disregard for authority!"  
  
"There is no disregard for authority. You have no power over me, nor, for the past year, any power over Lucy. My parents will help those who ask for help. They are the only ones who can be helped anyway."  
  
Annie slammed the door on Sophie, and slapped Lucy. "You will obey me," she said. "You are my daughter."  
  
Lucy put her hand to her slapped cheek and turned away. The knife dug into her hand and she remembered a phrase she had long ago learned. 'Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.' 


	7. Dust to Dust

Lucy sat. She was beyond tears. She had been beyond tears for a long time now, though she hadn't known it before. Tonight was to be the most important night of her life, but she didn't know that yet.  
  
Sophie's knife rested in her hands. Lucy considered it. The light gleamed seductively across the blade. It was sharp enough. The sting of the hand print on her cheek was far sharper. She'd seen Sophie cut herself with the knife before. Sophie never done it intentionally, but there was a first time for everything.  
  
Drawing the blade across her wrists would be easy, she thought. It would hurt for a little, and then nothing would hurt anymore. She would be sinning, but no one could touch her again.  
  
It was the touch of the blade against her flesh that woke her from her trance. 'I cannot do this. Not without giving in. And if I give in.' Lucy remembered something she'd learned a long time ago. Military men accused of crimes would sometimes suicide in their cells so they would not have to face trial. It was considered an admission of guilt. 'If I do this, I will be telling Annie that she's right. I can't do that.'  
  
Living is hard. Dying is easy.  
  
That's what Sophie had told her once. Lucy considered giving it all up, her friendship, her job, her part in Treasure Island-and with that all the dreams she had for the future.for her life. 'I closed that option off from myself when I began to separate. I cannot go back to what they want to me.'  
  
'And I wouldn't want to.' It was with that Lucy realized what must happen.  
  
She would have to leave.  
  
Now.  
  
Even though she had been distancing herself from her family, the thought still made her cringe. Perhaps the knife would be an easier way to do it. To be beyond pain.and beyond their reach forever and ever.she laid the knife along the side of her neck. It would be so easy.she couldn't.  
  
Couldn't end it, not after she'd come so far. Maybe she could have once, but then it hadn't been bad, and now she had everything to lose. Lucy thought back to when she'd had nothing to lose.no friend, no boyfriend, no education to speak of, and no life. Ironically, it hadn't been as bad then. 'Is that their price?' she asked herself. 'I can stay, as long as I have nothing, but as soon as I get anything, however poor it may be, I have to leave?'  
  
'I can leave. I can go to Sophie's or just walk out and never come back. I've got the money, I can get another job, and I'm no longer a minor. They can't stop me. They can't stop me.' it was at that moment that Lucy knew she had to walk out. That in the end, she had to save herself.  
  
Lucy grabbed a suitcase out of her closet and put it on her bed. Somehow, once she had begun it was easy to pick what would come with her and what would go. Most of her clothes would come, the few books she owned and a few notebooks. Her diary and, well, not much else. Looking around the room, she picked up the few pieces of jewelry she really cared about, and that was it. All the reminding things were part of the Lucy that used to be, not the one that was now. Or they were part of the Camdens.and so she didn't want to burden herself before she really began.  
  
'I am not doomed to failure because of my family. All I can do is my best.and pray that it's good enough.'  
  
Putting her backpack on, she looked around one last time, and turned out the light. There was nothing left of her in the room. Lucy turned around and went downstairs. Her family slept on, with no idea of what went through her head or where she was going. For people who had professed to care about her, they were noticeably absent at this important time. Her lips pulled back, but this expression was much closer to a smile than Lucy knew.  
  
Standing on the porch, she realized for the first time what she was doing. 'By this act, I renounce all claim I have to be a part of my family. This is to them as unforgivable as it is to me unavoidable. I can be strong I can survive on my own.' Lucy remembered a quote she had heard once. "When stepping off a cliff we must believe on of two things. There will be something for us to stand on, or we will be taught to fly." As Lucy stepped of the porch she prayed earnestly. "Let me be taught to fly." 


End file.
